I am being a lazy sod these days, well with the tempratures soaring as they do now my brain has turned to jelly-like fluid that dribbles out of my ears…
So as not to leave you too high and dry delved into my archival sources and chose this little thing so here you go:
The Mz. Velour! Chronicles! 😀
INTRO (one always had one of those because it would set the tone for the whole page):
Hello out there in Blunderland, Malice calling!
Seriously dears, what is up with people, we can’t blame it on spring fever.
The questions I answer this month are varied I tackled hair, children, skin, and more.
And don’t get me started on my age old mantra of manners, people are rude!
Q: Dear Ms. V,
With my frizzy hair, thin face, and buckteeth, I’ve never been what you’d call pretty.
Ten Months ago I had a nose job – to eliminate a huge bump and improve my profile.
Well, I’m sick about the results. And I hate the shape of my new nose and have felt awful about myself since the surgery. Now I am self-conscious covering my face, walking with my head down, and generally avoiding people’s faces.
I’m thinking of getting it re-done. I’m afraid, should I re-do it or should I resign myself to looking like freak?
A: Dear Freaked,
Now! Now! Don’t be too hard on yourself! That’s my job!
First of all is your nose really that bad, is there a concave hole where your nose used to be? Ask your friends take pictures from every angle and then see (Remember it takes 6 to 9 months for the swelling to subside so you can see the shape it will settle into).
It is the first doctor’s ethical duty to repair what has gone wrong. Doctors aren’t infallible; they do make mistakes, get too knife happy. And it is your duty to call them out on their mistakes, and at no cost to you (well, in the real world in Jordan who knows!).
But here’s a heads up, you were terribly unhappy with your looks prior to the surgery (after that is why you had surgery in the first place), maybe you had too high expectations of the results?
It could be emotionally based, might be that you thought this nose-job would turn around your life, and surprise, it didn’t! Not seeing your nose, but just reading your letter, it could be that you have two things wrong: First “Body Dysmorphic Syndrome” (Michael Jackson suffered from this, hence, all the surgeries it is a warped self- vision).
Second: You suffer from severe overwhelming insecurities (I’d go with this one!), I wouldn’t worry too much about this, nothing that a good cosmetic dentist, hairstylist, make-up artist and maybe a therapist/ life coach couldn’t fix! Forget the doctor, you will be fine. And don’t compare yourself to the models in the magazines until you’ve seen them sans make-up.
Q: Dear Ms. Vee,
My friend dotes on her 3 year old daughter, no not dotes, is obsessed by her.
She has no interest in cooking, watching tv, or doing anything but obsessing about her daughter.
On the phone, she can barely finish a sentence without telling me to hold on while she brushes her hair, or ties her sneakers, or gives her candy, the result of all this attention has turned her kid into a snotty nosed brat, who whenever she hears the word no has a raging fit, not a tantrum a full-blown veins bulging, red faced hysterical attack.
Whenever her husband tries to take some control it is clash of the titans, she (my friend not her daughter) interrupts him and screams blue murder.
Should I tell my friend the way she is raising her daughter is unhealthy?
A: Dear Concerned,
Before you walk onto that minefield, maybe you should analyse your own feelings. Could it be that you are a bit jealous that you don’t get the attention you crave and are used too? It is possible.
That said I always believe in honesty where it concerns child-rearing (but I also find it funny that we who do not have children have all the great advice to give to parents), but be prepared to lose your friend over this, moms rarely take kindly to criticism of their parenting skills, before you burst through her door screaming “The way you’re raising your kid is turning her into a brat who should’ve been drowned at birth!” try saying this: “Children aren’t spoilt by love but by lack of discipline!”, for me it actually sounds like the child needs to interact with other toddlers, so suggest to your friend she arrange some play dates for her daughter and tell her daughter that mommy needs some grown up time.
Don’t worry the kid will go to kindergarten soon and mommy will have more time and energy and you will see the change.
Q: Dear Mizz Velour,
I have planned for a romantic getaway with my husband, a second honeymoon if you will nothing fancy just the dead-sea for the weekend. I am worried I feel like a sack of potatoes, and unattractive!
Help me regain my allure… Yours desperation.
A: Dear Desperation,
Do not despair Mz.V is on hand to solve precisely these types of problems.
The Mz. V guide to being kissable all over!
Hands and fingertips: Scrub hands with a gentle scrub and then wash, after that slather dollops of hand cream on. Paint your fingernails fiery red, that is still the sexiest hue. To make sure your hands are really super soft and sexy you can apply a hydrating masque for 30 minutes.
Toesies: Don’t neglect your feet, same procedure here as for hands, scrub (all the way up to the calves) and slather but the night before you should put Vaseline on your feet, a good thick layer should do, and then wear some sports socks to bed.
Sugaring: This should be done a few days before you go anywhere, soft silky smooth and hairless, try a Brazilian wax for a change, be adventurous.
Lingerie: Go indulge yourself in some super sexy but not tacky lingerie, you can find nice stuff out there. Be sure everything fits just so.
Make-up: Be sure it is simple, smudge proof, water resistant. The last thing you need to worry about is your make-up smudging and staining all the linens and him, not very attractive.
Hair: Make sure your hair style is simple clean and conditioned, remember, you want him to run his hands through your hair. Here’s a tip: Use a teensy small dab of your perfumed body lotion as a styling product, it will be you he smells.
Tummy: Using a subtly scented body lotion same as with hair, slather it on your belly and prepare for a sexy delight.
Inner Thigh: Same as tummy and body.
Lips: Overdose on the lipbalm for a few days to make mouth really lush. Use transfer-proof lipstick so you don’t get it all over the place. Here comes pleasure!
Perfume: Your perfume shouldn’t be overpowering, remember if you’ve been using a perfume for many years you are desensitised to the scent and you might have a tendency to overdo it. This is not what you want on a romantic night, the last thing you need to do is give hubby a headache. Instead use something light fresh and breezy, the green tea by Bulgari, or any such light scent should do. Dab your perfume on the nape of the neck (so when he kisses you there your scent will mesmerise him), the wrists, basically anywhere the skin is thinnest, why you ask because the heat of the body will diffuse the scent and make for a more sensual experience.
People remember just because you’ve been married for a while, that doesn’t mean you can slack off with your looks, your figure or your self-esteem. There are younger models waiting in the wings ready to take that man off your hands so beware. You have to up your game, love is an illusion, it fades so you have to be enticing and re-invent yourselves, not for your man but for yourself. Many a woman has woken up one day to find that the image looking back at them is unrecognisable. So don’t lose track of yourself, and NEVER use the fact that you have children as an excuse to let yourself go.
Be alluring, be charming, but above all be proud of your femininity!