This is the mood, I don’t know if it is an Adrenaline down or what, but I am feeling kind of empty and strangely stressed.
Well, yesterday was the last performance of Stardust Academy’s Sleeping Beauty, in which I played the role of Maleficent the witch.
Opening night went well, people enjoyed (so I am told). It was the invited audience and they were marvellous.
Second night the student night with paying guest, not a good combo, they were lacklustre in their applause, not because we were crap but because they were what they were.
Third night, most of the audience had no energy to feed off, and that led to a dull atmosphere (It was a mixture of students and paying guests).
Maybe because I have been doing this for so long (with a break of 10 years for several reasons). First thing I noticed was I was not nervous, irritable, yes indeed, but not nervous. This I find disconcerting because I believe there has to be an element of nerves just a touch of it to make for an excellent performance. But that is just me.
Second thing I noticed was that, after each performance I was left with an empty feeling, nothing zip flat-line on any emotion, people were saying that they loved the performance, and I was pleased but still devoid of that rush, that feeling of Euphoria one usually gets with performing, and I should have had Adrenaline rushing around my corpus like crazy as I was singing (or like I call it speaking my songs).
It is indeed a magnificent high to be on stage, but I didn’t feel it, maybe because I had rehearsed enough and didn’t feel the thrill of the new? Or maybe it just became routinised?
I do not know, I find it interesting, I become analytical of situations like this, it is as if I am walking besides myself.
I did this performance as a challenge to myself in part, and in another part as a favour for a friend who directed it and id so well (she always does), I told her since I have never been to any of your shows I remedied that by being in one of them so I can show up finally! 😀
Back again to that empty feeling…
It is not a new thing. I have always felt like this after any performance, I still can’t figure out why.
I ask myself time and time again, is it because I am a perfectionist and in order not to get disappointed I go into a a mood of Anhedonia? Is it me numbing myself so I do not give myself a heart-attack?
If not, then why do I always have this empty feeling, this hollow feeling right after the show is over? I just can’t shake that feeling completely devoid of emotions. I go through the motions, but it is not because I am arrogant (sometimes I am) or because I am haughty or insincere! I just do not have that whole excitement thing going for me. I remain calm, collected and many times that comes across as insincere.
O well at least I hope that my audience enjoys the performance, as I do tend to give them the best I can, especially when I cannot feed on their energy.
That said I am truly grateful for the people who showed up, and unfortunately there was some dramatics backstage (story follows in another post), but I hope the kids who performed just remember despite the drama that they did a good job.